I have tried to write this post in different forms three times now. I finally feel I can put the work into it that it needs. I’m going on empty with emotions and might have vision loss from my eye lids swelling shut. True my short story Professor in Argentina said not to write about raw feelings when in the moment but to come back to those feelings and put the power of a cultured understanding of those feelings. But it was August last time I attempted this topic…I have some cultured understanding on the matter regardless of still going through it. Plus I just want to get this out there before I end up trying a forth time months down the road.
It is in my throat. That is where all this pressure builds and my heart starts racing against the pressure. It builds and builds. Nothing seems to help but staying away from the triggers. But what triggers my anxiety? Let alone what is this anxiety! Nothing I have EVER experienced before having the girls. It started when the girls were 7 1/2 months. I’m thinking it was because they started eating solid food and breast-feeding less. I believe my hormones went hay wire trying to find all the “normal” connections and levels my body needed.
It happened at first over going out or packing for a big trip. I would find myself paralyzed with the simple task of finding what onesie to bring. Not normal for me. I’m am hands and heart a LEAPER. I don’t need time to think about something, if I want it, I will do it. I was utterly confused as to why I couldn’t function to get moving out the door. Thankfully, it was never so bad that it interfered with my day to day life. Let me stop here, if you have anxiety or depression, ask for HELP and do not disregard what you are going through! No one should live like that.
In total, I have had a small handful of anxiety attacks. Running and friend support has really helped, but this week was another story.
I’m going to blame stress for this one. With so much family hardship going on in my mom’s side of the family, I have been a basket case.
Tuesday- I get a fever, not just a low grade can still function but a high delirious can’t move from the bed fever. To top it off, Tim was working and the girls wanted to play. No one could help. The girls were only fed dry cereal from the snack pouches in the backpack and made to watch TV all day. This is where I wished more than anything that my family lived here. My mom would have came in a heart beat. At 3:30ish, I was so far gone that I couldn’t even move when my savor Kiri came to watch the girls. To be honest I don’t remember much until later after Tim finally gave me medication.
Wednesday- I had jury duty. I was actually originally excited to be on it. I wanted to see what it was like to be behind the scenes and learn the whole process. I figured childcare wouldn’t be that difficult due to the fact my mother-in-law comes up all the time to watch my sister-in-law’s kids and my close friends could possibly help out as well. Turns out my mother-in-law could only do one of the four days because she wanted to spend time with her other grand kids too. That is fine, I can work with that. I call on the Friday before and learn I am needed a day later. Perfect only three days to cover. And covered they were until I got sick. For fear of sickness (my mother-in-law has congestive heart failure) she couldn’t come to help. After asking people, I finally twisted Pam’s arm into watching them in the morning in the middle of her busiest days of the week. Then I served on jury duty for a little over 30 minutes and was sent home. The person pled guilty before the hearing started. And Childcare was only needed for a small hour.
Today was the breaker. The girls must have sensed all my stress and anxiety about not getting help and the stress of missing my family because they pretty much lived in time out. I was on the edge. I stayed calm but made sure they knew it wasn’t ok to act out. When Tim comes home, all my rattling pieces exploded. I can’t explain any of it. My heart started to really physically hurt and swallowing was a challenge. My friend anxiety barged in with FULL force. Weight…every abstract anger, every sadness that clutched at my soul in the past week came screeching on me fast…unbelievable weight. Weight and udder numbness. I’m pretty sure I had a break down and was ready for the mental health hospital.
In my coma state I fought with Tim. “You don’t know me.” “You don’t know what I need.” I whispered to him. Hurtful words were said and tears found their way out of sorry eyes. While Tim was changing the girls, I looked at him and asked if we were going to Cirque du Soleil for V-day. For a couple weeks, he told me we had plans, but I thought nothing of it. It was Gods way of dragging me out of the black hole of anxiety. My lifeline back to reality. Tim KNOWS me, Tim LOVES me. Might sound silly to you, but it was a switch turned on for me. He REMEMBERED how much I wanted to see a show and was trying to surprise me.
Though life is hard and we make a little more than 14 dollars a day per person in our 4 person family, we truly do love each other. I would never want to go through life with anyone other than Tim, Ari, and Kaia and all our dear friends and family.
I’m please to say, I currently just have a head ache and have a pillow calling for a new tomorrow.