The other day I was at the beach with some fellow twin moms. It was the first time I met one of the moms. When we parents of multiples get together for the first time, topic of conversation usually centers around the pregnancy, birth, and the early days being exhausting. While talking about my pregnancy and getting pregnant on birth control (IUD), one of the moms who used fertility treatments looked at me and said, “I’ll try not to hate you for that.”
#1: Guilt in having them.
I am very sensitive around this. I’m so sorry we are fertile and had three kids with unplanned pregnancies. It hurts me so much thinking about others who try and try and try to have kids…who want it so bad. Both pregnancies I was upset about becoming pregnant. The hardest part about Finnian’s pregnancy was a friend who was pregnant the same time had a miscarriage pretty far into the pregnancy. I still cry thinking about it and am overwhelmed by hurt at the unfairness of it all. There are a lot of people out there that would rejoice in the new life growing inside of them. I felt that the life that was growing inside of me was feeding on mine.
#2: Not Ready for them.
Yes I wanted kids. When I was younger I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married but I knew I wanted kids. But I didn’t want kids until later in life…as in, we still wouldn’t have kids now. If I could have planned it we would have been older, had jobs, some form of stability, and just some free time to enjoy life as two adults in our twenties. I feel completely robbed of my twenties.
#3: Finances, haha, I mean lack of them.
We don’t have money and have a lot of help from the government. I don’t know if you all know how hard it is or how many obstacles you have to go through to get assistance. They use every chance to make it challenging to receive aid. I believe if we didn’t have the resources and education we wouldn’t be able to fill all the forms, do the interviews, and send in verification information to get the help.
#4: Career dreams are on hold.
To top it off we got our undergraduate degrees in 2009 during the Great Recession. There wasn’t a whole lot to do in the form of careers for someone with a BA in Sociology. I thought about getting a masters when I couldn’t find work but then I got pregnant. Economically the country is doing better but I can’t get a job that would pay enough to cover the cost of three kids in childcare. I have to wait until the kids get to a point I can work. I will also need to figure out what I want to do now that my world view is different then my early twenties.
#5: Different season than our peers.
Our kids are also apart of me. I feel hurt when others don’t want them around and take it very personal. It is an isolating feeling to not have our whole family excepted. I think our kids are amazing and I love them. I don’t want to take them everywhere and prefer to find childcare for weddings, friends parties, and other events that other kids will not be at. Pretty much all of our friends that are close to our age do not have kids. They just don’t understand. Nor do they understand what it is like to even get out of the door with three kids. We don’t get invited to things because people think we are too busy with kids or they don’t want our kids to come along. Small groups we were apart of ‘kicked’ us out because our kids were unwelcome but we still felt like ‘Young Adults.’ Sure in like 10 years most of them will have kids and I will just be laughing inside as they ask how to handle tantrum about shoes when you were suppose to leave 5 minutes ago
So, before you hate me for my fertility, know that the grass is not always greener on the other side.