My life is forever changed. I called a friend from home today and cried when I heard her voice. I morn for my life that was three weeks ago. The easiness and stability of it. How have I come to this point in my life? Are I not too young to be going through a season like this?
It has been a constant struggle with the darkest moments of trying to figure out how to say good bye to the bight glimmers of hope that he is going to make it through this. Some days these emotions happen in the same hour…three weeks…my stomach is in knots. Bile creeping up my throat as I type. And worse, I should go home on Sunday but every time I think about it I start to get an acute anxiety attack.
A couple of months ago, I was trying to get Dad to sign up for the full marathon instead of the half. He has done a couple in the past but I wanted him to run another full for my first one. He ended up signing up for the half. He told me he wanted to be able to wait at the finish line and enjoy me finishing my first marathon. How am I going to be able to do this still? How CAN I NOT do the full? Every time I think about it I get emotional. To make things worse, I haven’t been training well.
Next weekend we are headed to my brothers collage graduation. We have been planning a family road trip down to Colorado for months. The van is rented, the house is rented, and time off of work is set. This has been such a point of excitement and anticipation. I feel this emptiness as we fastly approach this date. We need more time for him to heal and make the trip. It might just be my youngest brother,Tim, and our kids that make the trek. However sorrowful I am about this journey, I’m thrilled to have some joy and normalcy.
What I would give to have some more normalcy…or rather my old normalcy back. This new normal is unbearable at times but also has unitifies our family in a way I never expected. The most comforting thing about this process has been to see and be proud of the family I come from and the legacies have been instilled in me.